“I Feel Like I’m In A Nightmare”: Recapping The Hills

(Too late to be posted on NYU Local, and posted here so Charlotte can get her favorite show fix:)

Monday night on The Hills, Stephanie started her internship at People’s Revolution, and Audrina started her internship at spin-off-getting by handling the A-story. Needless to say, both pretty much fell on their faces.

You thought we were kidding when we said we were gong to keep up with these things (as did I). But well, we were both wrong. Very wrong. FULL recap after the jump:

“Crazy in Love”

Lauren and Audrina hang out in some place they used to go to meet guys before going out at night to meet guys. They laugh at their past silliness, but when the laughter dies down, Lauren gets down to the mature talk: So, Audrina, when’s the last time you met any guys? Audrina explains that she is actually still getting over her ex, Justin, but is also finally becoming content with herself. So content that she reminds Lauren that if she sees any guys that are her type, that she should send them her way. Considering Justin, Lauren takes this to mean that she should give out Audrina’s numbers to all the wife-beaters and homeless men she passes on the way home.

Lauren’s good deeds continue at People’s Revolution, where she explains to Stephanie what her internship will be like, and I wonder if producers are setting Stephanie up to take over for Lauren when she leaves. Just then, Kelly Cutrone storms in and chews Stephanie a new asshole for leaving her drink lying around, so I think maybe she won’t last as long as I thought…but then Lauren passes Stephanie off her lint brush, which ha way too much symbolism to ignore. Meanwhile, in the world of Spencer and Heidi, symbolism is thrown at the window as Spencer calls Heidi up and quite literally, and kind of cutely, announces himself as her “favorite stalker.” … And I just called something Spencer did cute, so therefore I hate this scene with a passion and am skipping to the end. OK, Heidi re-iterates that she just wants therapy like she already announced last episode. Great. But now I need some too.

I have to also wonder what kind of psychosis is it that Lauren has when she arrives at some club with Heidi’s sister Holly. Between this and giving Spencer’s sister Stephanie an internship, she must have some screw loose to be so intent on keeping her enemies’ relatives in her posse. Her control issues perk up again when she overhears about a trip Frankie and Brody are taking to Hawaii, and demands to know why she wasn’t invited. Brody apologizes and then backtracks: he doesn’t have to explain, the guys need to get away! From all their cars, money, unemployment, club-hopping and TV stardom! Lauren relents. Boys will be boys, and boys and girls are different. As such, Lauren tries to go back to playing with her girl toys–Audrina and Holly–but is interrupted by scruffy Justin lurking in the shadows.

Audrina tries to play it cool, and they say hello and hug, but Justin tells her she is lame for back patting him, because the back pat is like, sooo out. “Am I a baby that needs to be burped?” he asks, clearly repeating something else someone told him when he back patted them, and now just passing off the embarrassment. I cringe and get that same feeling I get during Degrassi: Junior High when it all just feels too real. I am even glad when Brody enters to break the tension, which says it all, because I hate that douchebag.

Back at People’s Revolution, it’s clear on Stephanie’s face that she’s already quit in her mind and is already planning how to stowaway on Brody’s plane to Hawaii, but Stephanie, you better put those files in fucking Filemaker and quick if you want to grow up and carry a show like Lauren, and not just be a female Justin/Brody side character .

At another boring club night, the current female Justin/Brody, Brody’s girlfriend “Jayde,” brings back the junior high by giggling, “He grabbed my boob, so I grabbed his junk!” She also reiterates the theme. See? Boys and girls are different! Reminded of that, the boys and girls separate again and the episode takes on a very Shakespearean comedy, Much Ado About Nothing-feel as experienced douche Brody urges newb douche Justin to put a ring on Audrina’s finger, while Stephanie urges Audrina to stay away from him. The two finally talk to each other, but can’t seem to connect, because just like in Shakespeare, they are both too coked-out.

Also urging to connect, Heidi and Spencer finally make it to Dr. Mansbacher’s office, who invited them to sit and talk. If I was a doctor and had Heidi and Spencer in front of me, I would immediately be taking DNA samples, but sure, I guess talking is one approach to figuring out what species they are. The doctor hears out their history in one fell swoop, and immediately assesses that their problems are “high schoolish,” giving these people more credit than I did. She then ells the couple to face each other, and for Spencer to say what he’s feeling. Without a beat, he lets out, “I feel like I’m in a nightmare.” Ha! Wow, I think Spencer is cute again, so this scene will unfortunately also have to be skipped.

Which brings us to the last scene, a girls brunch where the only two thing happen that could possibly happen. Audrina vocalizes her attraction for Brody, and Lo brings up, a propos of nothing, that they all haven’t taken a vacation together in a really long time. Ugh. That’s right, in true Shakespearean fashion these girls are off to the forest, or in this case, Hawaii. So, will Audrina get with Brody? Will Lauren ski jump over a shark? Will the god of the fairies wipe away my impure thoughts about Spencer? Who knows? Who cares? Please wake me up.

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